That's right, I gained thirty pounds over the summer... insert hysterical sobbing here.
I'm so frustrated with weight and diets and exercise and the whole mess. I don't want to be this weight, I know this isn't the right shape of my body, but I'm so burned out on life right now that I don't know how I'm going to keep going.
I've been betrayed a few times in the past month by people who were in my inner circle. You can find more about that and how it's affecting me at the Behind the Scenes blog, but between the energy I'm expending through pain, and the very physical limitations I have right now for exercise due to injury, I find myself ready to give up on this whole thing.
I am not a quitter, and the fact that a part of me is even tempted, scares me. I know I'm in a rather dark place right now, but I also know I will come out the other side. I just need to stay focused, and prioritize. Conserve my strength and energy and use it where it is most effective. I'm struggling against fear, anxiety and depression unlike I've faced since moving to Florida. These betrayals have unraveled my confidence and have left me doubting and questioning, but the beauty I always find in trials is that if we face them, if we battle through them, we learn, grow and come out the other side stronger. I try very hard these days to not have to face the same test or trial more than once and this one is an old friend.
What I'm facing is the test of being faithful to the path, being faithful to myself despite how it may affect someone else. Like I said, you can read about that on the other blog, but here I just wanted to share all this because life is life, it's always going to get at us and for those of us overweight, we eat ourselves through it. I'm intentionally choosing away from that. When the moments come that get too rough, then I allow myself a soda... ONE soda, I ate potato chips the other day, life with weight is about management more than anything. Moderation and being away is what will get you to and keep you at your goal.
The 30 pounds I put on, I did it trying to make someone else comfortable, I so screwed that up. What's done is done though, can't take back the food I already ate, but I can focus on today, this moment, the next meal I have... one meal at a time is how you get anywhere with weight, up or down, so I just encourage you to be aware, don't let denial creep in, because every bite does cost you something and that matters.
That old Journey song springs to mind, Be good to yourselves when nobody else will... You absolutely deserve to be the healthiest, most beautiful you imaginable... don't compromise on that.
Hopefully the next post will be more enthusiastic as I truly do have a passion for authenticity in life and that includes in food... and I love food! :-)
Be blessed everyone and thanks for stopping by.
No comments:
Post a Comment